Good evening fellow Xangans,

First off, forgive the possibly offensive title.  I don't mean to deride anyone's religious views.  My English teachers always did mention that I needed to work on my attention getters.  And while I know that the casual discussion of religion is generally considered taboo, I come to offer an idea to you all.  An idea on a new philosophical and spiritual vision.  A little thing I like to call Postmodern-Gnosticism.

Now, I know what you're all thinking:  "How do you stay so ultra-sexy while being a cool guy that anyone can relate to?"  The other big question you might have right now is "What in the hell is Postmodern-Gnosticism?"  Allow me to explain.  First off, this is not technically my brainchild.  I just gave it a goofy title.  The real credit goes to Bob "MovieBob" Chipman from the Escapist and Alan Moore of The Watchmen fame (and to a lesser degree, Scientologists, but let's kindly omit their name from the credits.)  In one of his episodes of "The Big Picture," MovieBob proposes an idea that people follow fictional figures without necessarily believing in them.  In this episode, MovieBob mentions that Alan Moore wrote his own personal pantheon of gods and goddesses for himself to follow.  The idea goes like this:  pick your favorite character of all time.  They can be from video games, books, whatever.  Simply apply the character's ideals and values and apply it to your everyday life. For example, let's say you decided to be a follower of Kenpachi Zaraki from the popular anime series "BLEACH."  

This doesn't necessarily mean you should walk around with an eyepatch and a huge katana everywhere, beating people up whenever you feel like to see who's stronger. (Though you can if you feel that way, but the legality of these actions may vary from place to place.) Instead, you just see life as a series of conflicts, battles to be overcome.  A follower of Zarakiism revels in the challenges that life throws at them while espousing the importance of self-reliance and looks to overcome even greater challenges.  

And one needn't stick to just one patron saint.  The beauty of this idea is that you can mix and match your pantheon, and your pantheon might be completely different from someone else's.  After all, nobody is perfect, which means that one single fictional character usually can't cover all aspects of life's dilemmas.  That being said, one should take one's principles into consideration when picking patron saints for one's pantheon.  You shouldn't be a follower of Pinkie Pie on Sunday night's kegger and then decide you venerate Twilight Sparkle come Monday morning when you wake up with a hangover and an exam in an hour.  After all, these are characters whose values you share and respect, not cosmic beings whose aid can be summoned when convenient.    

Though, admittedly, My Little Pony might make for a pretty damn good pantheon to follow.

What are your thoughts?  Is this an idea you'd subscribe to?  What characters would you follow?  What crazy philosophical or religious ideas have you come up with?

I'm going to read the Twilight series of books and possibly watching the movies.  I'll also be watching the romantic-comedy anime series Toradora! in hopes of writing an essay criticizing the former as compared to the latter.  If I come out of this experience dead, I bequeath my Xanga account to Gerald_Washington, and if I should come out of it as one of the many shambling dead known as Twilight Fans, I deem it his duty to perform the killing blow.  Any commentors are acting and consenting witnesses.

Good evening, fellow Xangans.  I hope this post finds you all well.  This is the first part of a series of posts I plan to run with.  You see, I have this feeling that most advertising agents just don't get the people they're advertising to.  As a result, we get commercials for goods and services that leave us scratching our heads, wondering "Why in the hell would we buy this again?"

Part 1:  Flo TV

Let's face it:  most Americans watch a lot of TV.  At least, I know I do.  If I'm on my computer, I almost always have the TV on either Comedy Central or Cartoon Network.  However, at least I'm not addicted enough to look at my TV and think, "How far would I go to be able to watch my favorite programs, but outside on a dirty park bench instead of in the comfort of my house?  Would I splash milk into the face of my own child?"

According to the folks who want you to buy Flo TV, which is basically just a portable TV.  (Kinda like that Youtube app you have for you Iphone, but much more expensive.)



So, I can understand that kids are stressful.  But as far as I can tell, those kids are freakin' angelic!  So the husband pulls up, and the wife flips her shit and commences to make a mess.  "I just need an hour." she tells him.

Well, that's fine, but did you have to turn the kitchen into an utter clusterfuck in the process?  But I'm sure it was for quality programming, like something that isn't Mythbusters or Dirty Jobs on Discovery Channel.  Oh, no wait, it's FOOTBALL!

So, outside of the obvious premise, what's wrong with this commercial?  Well, why would I go outside to watch TV?  It's pretty obvious the female lead in the commercial was a housewife, so it's not like she's her husband, someone who works in an office and is, supposedly, constantly in between meetings and incapable of finding time for his football.  No, she's always at home!  She can watch TV whenever.  she.  wants!  And even if it was a specific game she was wanting to watch, it's not like DVR is that expensive nowadays.  I live in Arkansas, where technology is no less than 4 years behind the rest of the US, and even I have DVR.

Or how about the wife's choice in location?  I own a PSP.  That means I can play it wherever I want.  If I'm in a library, I can play Grand Theft Auto.  If I'm in line at the DMV, I can play Final Fantasy.  But I still like to play my PSP at home.  You know why?  Because I don't like being in those places!  So why leave the comfort of my own home to watch the same programming I could get at home?  Why a public park?  At night?  Perhaps she has some crazy desire to watch football or just plain get away from her husband?  Because as far as I know, most guys I know wouldn't mind be married to a woman that actually liked football.  And even if he wasn't a sports fan, I'm pretty sure he'd be willing to give her the hour she wanted to watch her football.  So unless the husband is some kind of abusive jerk who happened to marry a woman who had an extreme proficiency for head games, I'm pretty sure the wife didn't have to go to such extremes to watch the football game she wanted to watch.

Conclusion:  Buy Flo TV!  Watch TV wherever you want!  Piss off your spouse!

Part 2:  Gamefly

If you don't know what Gamefly is, it's just Netflix for video games.  And if you don't know what Netflix is, it's Blockbuster Video that comes to you via mail.  And if you don't know what Blockbuster Video is, then I'm honored to greet and welcome you, our new alien overlords.

So in the commercial, we get to see a montage of, admittedly, some of the funniest reactions to bad games I've ever seen.  Seriously, these guys hate the bad games they just bought!



However, there's one glaring problem that I, as a gamer, noticed:  gamers don't react this way to bad games.  Don't get me wrong.  We've been known to bust controllers, game systems, and even TVs in frustration.  But not over bad games, just hard games.  I remember when I was trying to beat Henry on Bitter mode in No More Heroes.  It took me no less than 10 tries, and when I was finally successful, it was a one and a half-hour long battle for my very life and dignity as a gamer.  It was sheer force of will that let me actually beat him.  And there were many instances of me jumping up and down in anger over my loss.

However, I also remember when I bought "Naruto: the Uzumaki Chronicles" from the local Hastings for $5.  Admittedly, I felt pity for the game.  There were five copies of the game, two of them new, and they were only five bucks.  It was like seeing a litter of two-legged pug puppies at an animal shelter (and not the "he stands like people" two-legged, I mean the "he's leaning to his right side" two-legged).  You couldn't help but feel sorry for them.  So, out of pity, I bought a copy. 

You know that old adage, "You get what you pay for?"  Well, it was most certainly true here. And much like the two-legged pug, the novelty soon wore off the moment that game took a massive dump on my PS2. It was just a god awful video game.  And if you've perused some of my older notes, you'll know that the Naruto series suffers from a strange syndrome where the supporting characters are much more interesting than the main character.  And it wasn't long before I was looking for Gameshark codes so that I could play as someone else!

But notice the difference:  With No More Heroes, I was genuinely angry.  With Naruto, I was just buyer's remorse.  I didn't nearly break a $50 game controller via a high velocity throw into a nearby brick wall over how crappy the Naruto game was.  I just put it away and never touched it again.  And even if it had been something I blew fifty to sixty bucks on, I'm pretty sure I could've gotten some store credit over at GameStop and gotten something that was actually worth my time.

Conclusion:  If you get Gamefly, you won't break shit over a bad game again!  Because you gamers are totally like that, right?

With that, that's the end of the first "Critically Advertised."  What do you guys think?  What are your favorite worst commercials?

If the title didn't make it obvious, this is a response to JuvOn_D's Datingish article "Open Letter to Women:  All Men Aren't Assholes".  I felt the need to make a weblog entry instead of an ordinary comment because the subject matter of the article is one that commonly goes unaddressed by the public.  Also, I don't claim to be an expert on relationships.  If I'm wrong about anything posted in this article, feel free to correct me in an appropriate manner.  I'm always open to criticism.  Now open up your piggy banks, kids, 'cause here comes my two cents.

For easier reference, quotes from JuvOn_D's article are bolded.

 "Go to work, go to school, or just go out walking down a busy street. Now look at all the men. Most likely, you'll only notice one or two. The "hot" ones. All those others are just the hay hiding the needle. Those pieces of hay are most likely the nice ones. Though because they aren't as attractive or "noticeable" you don't seem to find any reason to care about them."

The reason why they aren't dating the "nice guys" is because they aren't noticeable.  Because they aren't confident.

Girls date the "assholes" because "assholes" have a rather (in)appropriate level of self-confidence.  He may be a jerk who only takes pleasure in using women for sex, but he lets the world know that he isn't afraid of a girl rejecting him, afraid of doing what's necessary to make the relationship work (for him).  What messages are the "nice guys" giving off?

"What about that one dorky, possibly overweight guy who always talks to you or says nice things about you in class or at work. He might lend you money when you can't afford to buy lunch. Maybe he'll try and help you with your work. Will you date him though? Well, most likely not. He's "beneath" you, after all."

Why should she date some guy who thinks a proper return for a favor or two is a serious relationship handed to him on a silver platter? Friends do favors for friends.  (Prospective) boyfriends provide more than a favor.  They provide a protector, a healer, and a trusted companion.

If someone compliments me on my shoes or shirt, I don't instantly consider dating them.  If someone lends me some money for lunch or a coke, I don't assume they have romantic interests in me.  If someone helps me with my homework, I don't start to feel some fluttering in my heart.  I usually assume that they're just being nice or expect to be repaid in kind sometime later.  But anyone can do something nice.  What can a "nice guy" do to be special?

I apologize if this comes off as tough love, but that's partly because it is.  I used to think very similar thoughts.  Admittedly, I still sometimes do.  If you have self-confidence issues, address them or talk with a counselor or even one's friends!  From first hand experience, I can tell you that ignoring the problem or "toughing it out" (a bad habit I've yet to kick myself) only winds up working against you, and talking with any counselors you have access to or your friends can really help.  If you want to be noticed, go to parties or pick up a sport/martial art or be out in the public view in general!  Staying at home watching TV or lurking Facebook won't get you anywhere.  If you don't like the way you look, you don't have to necessarily hit the gym.  Buy some new clothes, try a new hair style, or read a new book at your local coffee shop!  Even the minor things can really boost one's confidence.  And all these things really start to add up after a while, putting a "nice guy" one step closer to the relationship they desire.

tl;dr "Nice guys" finish last because "nice guys" typically aren't very happy with themselves and don't usually offer anything special.  Girls like confident men who bring more than homework or compliments to the table.  Also, Courage Wolf...